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Ruthless Catholicism

from Helix Guardsman by Eros Catheter

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lyrics

It had been going on for hours and I was so tired
I was defenceless against your demands
Turns out it takes 6 hours of persistent screaming before I forget who I am
And what I think is best for me
My sense of self has always been fragile
The dam broke and you flooded in
Consuming the firing synapses in my brain with your violent wishes

You hated that I had been capable of love before you
I still think of that hatred now more than I think of you
I wanted to cry but I was beyond feeling anything
And tears wouldn't come
But then you insisted on sex
After all the screaming suddenly I was wanted
I said no but you didn't care
Arousal is unnecessary
Manual stimulation is all it takes
You reached down and elicited a response
For so long now remembering it makes me sick
You only stopped because I was finally able to cry
Hysterics like a child

You punished me for your own shortcomings
In a vulgar and deceitful way
You reached in and rearranged my will
You said you wanted to see if I cared enough
I hate that I did
I hate that I forgave you

It is easy to be a vessel for others and never for yourself
But now the world will know
[REDACTED]

What's mine is yours
What's mine is yours
What's mine is yours
The more you suffer the more they love you back
Isn't that what we learned
From the nuns in their habits
And all our alcoholic mothers
Absent fathers
Puerile teachers
Distant siblings
[REDACTED]

credits

from Helix Guardsman, released August 14, 2019

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Pressured Speech Prod London, UK

Existing on ambiguous terms since 2018

Independent label based in London dealing in experimental and noise.

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